I threw the district writing assessment in the air and watched it flap to the ground like a dead seagull. Alyssa, bless her heart, reached to pick it up and hand it to me, but I stopped her with a growl.
"Mr. Payne, what the . . ."
"Captain. Captain Payne. P.A.I.N." I corrected. These kids had been assessed enough. It was clear that their grammar was terrible, they didn't know a preposition from a tomato, and their writing was lazy, sloppy and dull. They were terrible writers, but it occurred to me that they might make decent pirates.

"Follow me, ye barnacles," I hissed as I made for the door. The troublemakers followed eagerly, but a few more timid students hesitated. "When yer Captain gives ye an order, ye best follow it or suffer a taste of the whip,' I threatened. They slowly rose from their seats and followed.

The teacher in the neighboring classroom was familiar with my unorthodox teaching, so she scarcely blinked as we slunk past her door toward the parking lot. As we left the concrete world of assessments and IPR reports, the light of the sun rang like a tuning fork and we saw her docked illegaly in the loading zone. "The Assessment" I had christened her, the most beautiful schooner ever to sail the seven districts. She was small but yar, and she could turn on a dime, bringing her cannons about to crack the timber of enemy ships before they had a chance to say "Avast". The Jolly Roger flew from he bowspirit, and the figurehead was a maiden with a scroll in each hand. In the right was carved "Fart", and in the left "Boogers".

As the crew boarded, I considered who would make a good First Mate. Precious could take anybody on the crew in the case of a mutiny, and it would be good to have her at my back, but I decided in favor of the respect that Kamryn clearly commanded. And Troy's natural sadism made him an excellent candidate for Boatswain. "Man, this is gay," commented AJ.
"Yer sailors now, maggot," I informed him. "Ye all be gay."

We shoved off and I plotted a course with Mayra, the newly appointed ship's navigator. We decided to make for The Straits of Harrison, a narrow but strategically placed channel where succulent and vulnerable merchant ships were known to travel. It was not long before Omar shouted from the crow's nest, "A ship, Captain. It's The Pansy, and she looks ripe for the picking."
"Take her," I ordered.
"Avast, maggots! Tighten the sails and man the cannons!" Kamryn shouted to the crew. They did as commanded, eager for their first taste of blood, but nervous as well. I sensed their hesitation and signalled the Boatswain to give the 'all hands' whistle. When they were assembled, I set to warming their blood for the battle.
"If their be water in yer veins, now be the time to head back to shore. There be worksheets and essays and progress reports aplenty if that be yer taste. Me, I feel the ice of Davy Jones in me, and I mean fer to take that ship if I needs do it meself. Who's with me?" A roar went up as they lifted their swords and pistols in the air. Arianna and Lian made for the cannons. Edin and Jenna swung the boarding ropes. And I took my prosthesis off and replaced it with a gnarled peg.